Another year has come around and I find myself another year older. The biggest question I have is: How did I get so old? Come to think of it, I already have the answer: The good Lord still has things for me to do.
And while I am grateful for the past, present and future, I do have a few requests at this point in my life.
1. I’d like my hair back, please. I used to have very thick hair. I was prematurely grey, and as I greyed, my hair settled into a style and stayed there for years. Decades, even. It was the only thing on my body that would cooperate. Now that it’s much thinner, it doesn’t know what to do, and I certainly don’t know what to do with it.
2. I’d like to trade this turkey neck for a smooth chicken neck. I looked in the mirror some time back and said out loud, “Good Lord! Where did that wattle come from?” I try to remember not to shake my head too rapidly so it won’t flap and call attention to itself. I’m thinking of naming it Tom and trying to negotiate a cease-flapping timeframe. Like when I’m at church and out in public.
3. Better eyesight would be great. I used to be able to read street signs two blocks away. Now when we’re pulling the camper and looking for a particular road, David is saying, “Is that it? Is that it?” He’s afraid we’ll miss it and have to turn around, and you don’t turn a 32-foot 5th wheel around just anywhere. In the meantime, I’m squinting like crazy, desperately trying to make out any letter in the name to give me a clue.
4. I would appreciate enough strength in my hands to open packs of graham crackers without saying ugly things about wrapping made of plastic. I don’t understand this concept. Don’t the manufacturers want their customers to get to their products? Does it help when the customer is finally able to pull the wrapping off and the product scatters across the room?
5. Wouldn’t it be great to have the ability to immediately know what I went into a room for? Of course, the extra exercise of going back a few times when I remember it is good for me. I’ve been known to go after an item up to three times before I remembered precisely what I wanted. And then there’s the issue of knowing what I want but not knowing exactly where it is. And then there’s the issue of finding what I want but not remembering why I wanted it in the first place.
6. I would love to be able to telepathically tell the slow car in the left lane to move over! And to be able to tell other drivers to get out of my way or to tell the people blocking the aisle at Foodland to let me by. And to let other folks know to leave a good parking spot for me at Wal-Mart and Publix. And to tell certain women I see out in public to cover their bosoms and their rear ends, and to tell certain men to let their wives dress them for all of our sakes. Wow! The more I think about this request, the more I see why the good Lord didn’t give it to me.
7. A purse that doesn’t swallow things and then refuse to cough them up would be a great stress reliever. I have written before about my problems with purses here and here. For decades, I went with function over fashion before I caved and went over to fashion’s side (if you can call buying purses from Wal-Mart and Belk “fashion”). I may have to go back to function, though. My blood pressure goes up every time I dive into the depths. I sometimes forget what I’m looking for and/or why I need it (see Number 5 above).
8. I’d like a steady hand that doesn’t suddenly go spastic when I’m putting my signature on that goofy screen when I pay by credit card. Honestly, that doesn’t look a thing like my John Hancock. How can that possibly prove it’s really mine? Even I wouldn’t claim it because I probably couldn’t read it.
9. I fondly remember the ability to do two things at once. Seeing as how I used to do about 5 things at the same time, I don’t think I’m overstepping by asking for two. This request also includes holding more than 2 things at once without one of them jumping out of my hands on its own. Get a grip takes on a whole new meaning.
10. And for my last request, I’d like the ability to recall a person’s name while they are standing in front of me and not two days later when I’m at the refrigerator trying to decide if the milk has gone bad. What makes it even worse is that it’s very evident that they know me and my family, because they know all of our names.
So that’s it for the first 63 years. I’ll let you know my new requests after I’ve lived the next 63.
|Beg as Loud as you can for good common sense.|