I waste so much time looking for something that I know I had in my hand just a few minutes before. I’ll be right in the middle of a project and suddenly I can’t find the wireless mouse or a pen that is not dried up and will actually write or the piece of paper with that wonderful blog idea that I can’t think of at the moment.
Of course, the first thing I should do is pray for guidance. But I hate to bother God with such an idiotic request. I mean, I just had it in my hand a minute ago. I'm always so sure I can take care of it myself.
But I tend to quickly work myself into a frenzy by immediately being infuriated at myself for losing the item, followed by frantically searching but not really seeing, followed by getting all sweaty, which further infuriates me… Well, you get the picture.
This is the only time that I’m aware of that David actively leaves me alone. He’s not even available for questioning because he’s run into the back yard, hopped on his lawnmower and headed down the street to mow somebody’s (anybody’s) lawn.
In the hopes of helping my fellow human beings, I offer the following ways to find what is lost.
1. Finding your lost glasses without wearing your glasses puts you at a great disadvantage. Try slowly walking around, retracing your steps, until you hear a crunch under your shoe. How did they get down there?
2. If you have retraced your steps and heard no crunch and therefore have given up and parked yourself in your recliner, a strange lump may reveal that you have found your now crooked glasses.
3. If you don’t hear a crunch and you haven’t sat on something lumpy, check your head or hand. Doing this first can save a lot of time.
4. Try looking on your face. You may already be wearing them.
(Bonus Tip: Never tell someone you found your glasses on your face unless you are certain that that someone has done the same thing. Otherwise, they will laugh at you and tell everyone for years to come.)
5. If you’re looking for your remote control for the TV, DVR, DVD player, Blu-Ray, sound system, the ceiling fan, the heater or the remote start for your car, try taking the sofa apart. It’s probably not there, but there’s no telling what is. Just be sure to collect all the dog hair or cat hair, because you still have time to knit that sweater for Cousin Cora for Christmas.
6. After you’ve put the sofa back together, check your pockets. I know, I know, you’d never put it in a – see? I told you!
7. Remember to look in unusual places. It just makes sense: If it’s not in the usual places, it’s got to be in the unusual places. My mother once found her purse in the freezer. That was some cold cash! (Sorry; just couldn’t pass that one up)
8. Don’t get sidetracked. Keep your mind on what you’re looking for. Or, if you have forgotten what you’re looking for, don’t worry. It will wake you in the middle of the night with such force that you will be unable to go back to sleep until you get up and start looking for it again.
When I was growing up, I remember my dad saying, “Where’s the jelly?” And Mom would say, “It’s in the refrigerator.”
Long pause. Daddy: “It’s not there.” Mom: “Yes, it is. It’s on the middle shelf.”
Long pause. Daddy: “It’s not there.” Mom: “Yes, it is.”
Long pause. Daddy: “No, it’s not.” Mom would make that noise that all moms make when their patience has run out. “Wait a minute,” she’d say. “I’ll come and look.”
Shorter pause. Mom: “It’s right here.” Daddy: “Where?” Mom: “Behind the ketchup. You have to move things.”
This went on for several years until Daddy finally learned to put it a different way: “I can’t see it.” That led to Mom saying, “Move things” much sooner, which led to cutting the time it took to get into an argument about it.
I’m happy to report that this marriage lasted for 63 years. And my dad did finally learn to move things.