Last December, I had a total knee replacement of my right knee. The physical therapy was successful by all assessments, and I was set free to live life with at least 1 knee that would work properly.
I had dreaded this surgery for years because I’m a wimp and I could not imagine doing something painful or having something painful done to me without losing control and crying and just wimping out in general.
Turns out it really wasn’t all that bad.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the effect of the pain medication. I literally sat in my beloved recliner for 6 weeks doing nothing. My attention span was about 2 minutes long.
I couldn’t read because my eyes would literally cross after just a few minutes. And that really didn’t matter, because I couldn’t remember what I had just managed to read.
I couldn’t write because after a few minutes, I couldn’t think of what to put next. And to beat that, what I had just written didn’t make any sense.
About 2 weeks after my surgery, I managed to spill a Coke Zero on my computer and kill it. I sleep in my recliner and the canned Coke was on my table beside me. During the night, I had a dream about spilling something. I woke up at some point after that and realized that not only had I spilled something in real life, I had chosen the most expensive thing in the room to spill it on.
I knew I was asking the same thing over and over, but, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the answer.
I had to look at my phone to see what day it was. Repeatedly.
I was mostly okay with people talking to me. Well, I did wake up one day and ask my husband to help me because I couldn’t stop dreaming about Marmaduke, a giant dog in the Sunday funnies that I hadn’t seen in years. Does that count as mostly ok?
I couldn’t wait to get back to my normal routine, so I went to a meeting at church, full of drugs, walking with a cane, and immediately felt like I was getting sucked down into a vortex of voices, comments, and decisions. Things weren’t making sense to me because I couldn’t process the words fast enough. Thank God (and I mean that literally) no one asked me anything in front of the group. I managed to say a few things just generally, and my husband assures me I didn’t act like a fool while doing it.
So what I managed to do mostly for my six weeks was to watch TV, changing the channels every few moments. Yes, just like a man, I trolled through the good, the bad and what used to be called porn and is now very common on every type of program you can name.
Maybe my attention span wasn’t as bad while watching TV because there’s not much worth watching for over ten minutes. Honey Boo Boo? Dance Moms? Jersey Shore?
Is it time for my pain medication? Please?